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An older man decided to take up jogging. He was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the sports store. While trying on a pair, he noticed an unusual pocket. "What's this little pocket thing here for?" "You can carry spare change in there, so you can call your wife to pick you up when you've jogged too far." A man was walking down the street when a shabby homeless man asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy some Budweiser with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble" the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the two dollars." Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up Budweiser, gambling, and golf." I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists." AMISH ELEVATOR An Amish boy and his father went to a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that moved apart and then slid back together. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an obese older woman in a wheel chair moved up to the silver walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother." A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole hibernated through the winter in their mole home. One spring day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is... Get ready, Are you sure you're ready? MOLASSES! A truck driver saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to give him a ride. A ways down the road the driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck to steer directly toward the lawyer. Then he remembered, "I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down this lawyer." At the last second he swerved to miss the lawyer. He heard a thump. He turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I missed the lawyer." And the priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door." Jewish Mothers A man received two sweaters for Hanukkah from his mother. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters. As he entered, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?" Rabbi and Priest Buy a Car A priest and a rabbi decide to buy a car together. They drive it home and park it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on the new car. "What are you doing?" asked the rabbi. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then reappeared with a hacksaw, walked to the back of the car and cut two inches off the tailpipe. How To Impress A Woman: Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Support her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Listen to her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Romance her, Encourage her, Believe in her, Pray with her, Pray for her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her. How to impress a man: Show up naked, Bring chicken wings, Don't block the TV :) A medical opinion: Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "I like electricians, everything inside is color-coded." The third says, "No, I think librarians are best, everything inside is in alphabetical order." The fourth chimes in: "I like construction workers. They understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up, observing: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable." G.A.S.H. A man returns from a trip to Shanghai and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after these tests in an isolated private room at the hospital. The phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H. I can't even see you in person, and no one else can either." "G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the hell is that?" "It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS and Herpes," explains the doctor. "My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?" "Well we're going to keep you in isolation and put you on a strict diet of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly. "Will that cure me?" "Well, no," says the doctor, "but those are the only foods we can slide under the door!" Subject: Saddam All three of Saddam's body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." They ask for the good news first. "The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs." "And the bad news?" they ask. Aziz replies, "He's lost an arm." Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which mistakenly wandered into a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Finally she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello..... We're down here..... " Two old couples were sharing an evening dinner. Afterwards, one lady was washing the dishes when one old man came into the kitchen to chat. "We had a wonderful dinner out the other night." "Oh? Where did you go?", she asked. "Hmmm. Well, I can't remember.... What's the name of that flower you give someone you love? You know, the red one with thorns?" "That's a rose..." she replied. "Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?" "You are more beautiful than any stamp in my collection." She said, "Flattery will get you nowhere." A buddy of mine was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers got off the aircraft, the plane would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one blind man. His Seeing-Eye dog lay quietly in front of him. The pilot knew him and approached him, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs." All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing-Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! Have a great day and remember things aren't always as they appear. A rich man had an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
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