| Life Support USA |
CLOSING TIME: The man was in no shape to drive so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was stumbling along, he was stopped by a policewoman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture," he answered. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" asked the policewoman. "My wife", he replied. Two Norwegian Carpenters Two Norwegian carpenters were nailing siding on a house. The first would reach into his pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it or nail it in. The other said, "What in heavens name are you doing?" The first said, "Half these nails are defective, the head is pointed the wrong way!" The other said, "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!" Q. Why did the tomato blush? A. Because he saw salad dressing. Q. Why do ducks have webbed feet? A. To put out forest fires. Q. Why do elephants have flat feet? A. To put out burning ducks. Q. What did the bald man say when he was given a comb for his birthday? A. "Oh, thank you! I'll never part with it!" The Preacher And The Drunk A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to bump into the preacher. The preacher turns around and almost drops from the smell of alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, Have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The shocked preacher dunks him into the water for a little longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in? Who Is Clever? The jet was in a crash dive; there were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the finest NBA basketball player alive, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die," So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm President of the United States of America, I have a great responsibility as the leader of this superpower nation. And even more, I'm very clever, so America needs my cleverosityisness." So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, the Pope, says to the fourth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, I lay down my life to let you have the last parachute." The boy said, "It's OK, Mr. Pope, there's a parachute left for you and me both. Mr. President has taken my school bag." Polish Sausage A man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The man, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no." With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot." Mild Mannered Man A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decides to go to a psychiatrist. The doctor tells him he has to develop self esteem. The doctor gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads it on the way home. When he walks through the door and his wife comes to greet him, he tells her, "From now on I'm the man of this home and my word is law. When I come home from work I want my dinner on the table. Now get upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replies: "The undertaker." Stuck Under A Bridge A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign came up that read, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally a police car arrived. The policewoman got out of her car and walked around to the truck driver, put her hands on her hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?" The driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." Grandma's Coffee A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'" Froggy For A Loan A frog went to get a loan at a bank. The loan officer's name was Ms. Patty Stack. When the frog told Ms. Stack that he wanted a loan, she asked if he had collateral. He showed her a marble and said, "This is what I have for collateral". She took it to the bank president and said, "There's a frog out there who wants a loan, and this marble is what he has for collateral". She said "Do you know what this is, and should I give him the loan"? The bank president said, "Why, that's a NIC narc, Patty Stack, give that frog a loan!".
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