| Life Support USA |
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? The same middle name. I came home from work the other day, my wife told me to take off her blouse! Then she told me to take off her skirt! Then she told me to never wear her clothes again. My daughter asked if she could bring home her boyfriend for dinner. I asked, "Is he nice?" She said, "Oh mother, if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?" Moses and the Bush At an airport recently, President Bush saw a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring ahead. Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president. Soon a secret service agent came along. President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The secret service agent agreed with the President. "Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak!" The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!" Surfers Wish A surfer was walking along the beach, thinking and sorting out his life. Looking up to the sky he said,"Oh Lord, if you are there... grant me one wish." Suddenly with a crack of lightning, a booming voice said, "Surfer, you have done your best to be faithful, I will grant your prayer and offer you one wish." The surfer looked out over the ocean, thought a moment and said, "I wish for a bridge all the way to Hawaii, so I can drive over and surf those indigo waves anytime I want." The voice boomed, "Think of the millions of tons of concrete and steel, the depths of the Pacific to build on... such a material wish! I can certainly do it, anything is in my Power, but it would be better for your soul to put aside this wordly desire. Think of another wish that would honor and glorify Me." The surfer sat down and thought. Finally he gazed upward and said, "Oh Lord, I have been married and divorced 3 times. I did not understand any of my wives... Lord, my wish is to understand women, to know how they feel, what they think, why they laugh and cry, and how I can truly make them happy." There was a minute of absolute silence... then another. Finally, the voice boomed, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" Missouri Hunters A couple of Missouri hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He does't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other Missouri hunter starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911. "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?" The operator calmly says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!! The Missouri hunter comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?" Guiness Genius Four beer brewers walk into a bar. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey, Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the smoothest beer in the world. "Give me 'The King of Beers,' a Budweiser." The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain springwater, give me nothing but a Coors." The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewers look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking Guinness?" The Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." A seal walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll ya have?" The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club!" As the drunk said when he was kneeling over the toilet, "Two beers, coming up!" Two jumper cables walked into a rowdy bar and asked for a beer. The bartender looked at them closely, then said, "I'll give you both a Budweiser, but don't start anything!" All we ever hear are Jewish jokes, so here are some gentile jokes: A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?" The salesman says: "It's $500." The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it." Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?" The other Gentile says; "Just great! Thanks for asking!" A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it." His mother says, "OK." Mildred and Elma Two elderly women, Mildred and Elma, were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. Elma, in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, Elma was almost sure that the light had been red, but figured she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to Mildred and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights? Are you tryng to kill us?" Mildred turned to her and cried, "Oh crap! . . . Am I driving?" An altar boy was cleaning up near the altar, when he noticed a man on crutches come into the church. The man approached the holy water font and he blessed himself all over his body. Then he threw away the crutches! The boy ran back to the priest and told him what had happened. The priest said, "A miracle. Where is he now?" The altar boy replied, "Right where he fell." I was talking to an old friend about fishing. He said, "Last weekend I caught a fish THISSSS Big!" I said, "I, too, went fishing last weekend. I snagged something heavy and reeled it in slowly. It was a Lantern! And it was LIT!" My friend said, "Bullpuckey." I said, "Take some off that fish of yours, and I'll blow out my lantern..." The Passing of Larry LaPrise What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started. Ole took his wife Lena to the doctor. After an extensive examination, the doctor said, "I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's mind is completely gone!" Ole replied, "Doctor, I'm not surprised. It's amazing that it lasted this long. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past fifteen years!" The bathtub was invented in 1850. The telephone was invented in 1875. This might not seem like much, but if you had lived back then, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without being bothered by the phone! Did you know that when Clinton entered office, A great number of Cadillacs were recalled? Why? It was found there was not enough room in the glove box for a brick of Government cheese! A tourist walked into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very lifelike, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it. He asked, "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat. One hundred dollars for the story," replied the owner. The tourist gave the man twelve dollars saying, "I'll take the rat. You can keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and that they were following him down the street. This was a bit alarming so he began to trot. But, within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were squealing loudly as they ran. He ran toward the bay. He looked around and saw that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and their squealing was almost deafening and, they were coming toward him fast. Scared, he ran to the edge of the bay and threw the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it, and they all drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?" "No," said the man. "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
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