| Life Support USA |
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Great Senior Quotes I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. My wild oats have turned into All Bran. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter! Senior Moments (True Story) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scum bags!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own carparked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter, and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair, carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Ah, senior moments! Cars A group of Florida senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,"... another went on. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence... "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully... "At least we can still drive!" A Strange Old Man A very weird thing has happened. A strange old man has moved into my house. I have no idea where he came from, or how he got in. I certainly did not invite him. All I know is that one day he wasn't there, and the next day, he was. He is a clever old man, and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of him. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there he is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my handsome face and body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming at him, but he just screams back. If he insists on hanging around, the least he could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think he is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later it's all gone. I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old man is pilfering from me. You'd think he would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. he needs it. And money isn't the only thing I think he is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate - especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies, and candy. I can't seem to keep that stuff in the house anymore. he must have a real sweet tooth, but he'd better watch it, because he is really packing on the pounds. I suspect he realizes this, and to make himself feel better, he is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too. For an old man, he is quite childish. he likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And he messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized. he also fiddles with my VCR so it does not record what I have carefully and correctly programmed. He has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. he gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do, and blurs the print so I can't read it. And he has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers. He has done other things - like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. he even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge. Lately, he has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. Is this any way to repay my hospitality? He has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, he stands in front of the mirror and monopolizes it. he looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, he keeps me from seeing how great they look on me. Just when I thought he couldn't get any meaner, he proved me wrong. he came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, he jumped in front of me! No one is going to believe that the picture of that old man is me.
|
|