You Know You're a Redneck When...
- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
- You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a
flyswatter.
- Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- You burn your yard rather than mow it.
- The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
- You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't
want it.
- You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
- You come back from the dump with more than you took.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your grandmother has "Ammo"on her Christmas list.
- You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
- You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
- You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
- Your kids take a siphon hose to Show- and-Tell.
- You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
- You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
- You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
- You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
- You have a rag for a gas cap.
- Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
- You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
- You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
- You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip
on the side.
- The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
- Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
- You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
- You use your ironing board as a buffet table.
- Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always
brings you Home.
- A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of Improvement.
- You use a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
- You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
- You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
- Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you
take them out to see what it is.
Texas Chili Cook-off
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK.
Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original judge called in sick at the last moment, and I was standing nearby asking directions.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy s$#&, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I
am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s&$#--faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the bar
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I tooted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off? It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I tooted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chilipeppers at the last moment. I should note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my Hawaiian shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to
report)
Singing the Blues! or Blues U.
How to sing the Blues... A Primer
For those of you struggling with the ups and downs of life, you probably thought you had the blues...
- Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
- "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
- The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
- The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you
stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.
- Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down
trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet
aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
- Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In
Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair
if you shoot a man in Memphis.
- Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or
any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
- A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman
with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is
not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
- You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
- Good places for the Blues:
a) Highway
b) Jailhouse
c) Empty bed
d) Bottom of a whiskey glass.
- Bad places for the Blues:
a) Dillard's
b) Gallery openings
c) Ivy League institutions
d) Golf courses
- No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
- Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if
a) You older than dirt
b) You blind
c) You shot a man in Memphis
d) You can't be satisfied.
No, if
a) You have all your teeth
b) You were once blind but now can see
c) The man in Memphis lived
d) You have a 401K or trust fund.
- Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people
also got a leg up on the blues.
- If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are
a) Cheap wine
b) Whiskey or bourbon
c) Muddy water
d) Nasty black coffee.
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a) Perrier
b) Chardonnay
c) Snapple
d) Slim Fast.
- If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's
a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
- Some Blues names for women:
a) Sadie
b) Big Mama
c) Bessie
d) Fat River Dumpling
- Some Blues names for men
a) Joe
b) Willie
c) Little Willie
d) Big Willie
- Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
- Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson
or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
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