News Humor

The following ad ran in The Atlanta Journal:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinner will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.

Call (404)875-6420 and ask for Daisy.........

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Labrador retriever!




Subject: Actual Newspaper Ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.

FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE...BETTER BE A REWARD.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.

HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.

OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
and the best one...

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes Excellent condition. $1,000 OBO - No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.




YEAR 2003 BEST HEADLINES:
  • Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
  • Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  • Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
  • Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  • Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  • Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  • Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  • Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  • Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  • Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
  • War Dims Hope for Peace
  • If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  • Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  • Chef Throws Heart Into Feeding Needy
  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  • Hospital Sued By 7 Foot Doctors



Summer Reading - The World's Thinnest Books
  • HOME BUILT AIRPLANES - by John Denver
  • HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL - by Dan Marino
  • BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
  • THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton
  • MY LIFE'S MEMORIES - by Ronald Reagan
  • THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD - by Bill Gates
  • THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
  • THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
  • AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
  • AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
  • DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
  • MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES - by Dr.. Kevorkian
  • MEN'S GUIDE TO WOMEN - by Average Joe
  • WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN - by Average Jane
  • ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
  • MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson



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