| Life Support USA |
WORDS WOMEN USE FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine" GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine" GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow." GO AHEAD! At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing" Great Quotes BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY! GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG... YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY? DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES And last but not least: IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN Sarah, the church gossip Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the Church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents did not appreciate her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny, he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house... and left it there all night. HUBBY MART 'Hubby Mart' has opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband. The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. If you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men have jobs." The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids." The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework." "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, Mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are the 1,234,567,890th visitor to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband-Mart and have a nice day." M.J. "Hold-On-To-What'cha-Got" Evans New Medication For Women Damitol - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours. St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Menicillin - Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?" Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-One-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. Jack Asspirin - Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. Antitalksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Sexcedrin - More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. Ragament - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. ladies humor words women use quotes sarah church gossip hubby mart new medications for women woman women lady ladies argument church eyebrow eyebrows fine floor george gossip headache help housework hubby mart humor husband
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