| Life Support USA |
Kids! You Gotta Love 'em NUDITY I was driving with my 3 young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!" HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary ran to the bathroom and came out with MY toothbrush. "We better throw this one out too then, cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago." OPINIONS On the 1st day of school, a 1st-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." KETCHUP A mommy was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. The phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer it. "It's the pastor, Mommy!" Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle." MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks. The little boy watched in amazement and asked, "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner Jake was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy said, "What did he do?" ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly an old leaf fell out that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found!" What have you got there, dear?" Astonished, the boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!" When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either." A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!" As mom was preparing pancakes for her sons, Johnny, 5, and Alex, 3, the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. The mom saw the opportunity to teach a moral lesson. She said, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Johnny quickly turned to his younger brother and said, "Okay, Alex, you be Jesus!" The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves." Little Johnny asked his grandpa how old he was. Grandpa answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?" It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his older brother explained. "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He showed up!" One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes. She noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair. She looked at her mother and asked inquisitively, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat the girl replied, "They will in a minute." DON'T ARGUE WITH CHILDREN A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
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