| Life Support USA |
On the long drive back from the Brickyard 400 Sunday, I mulled over a few imponderables. Beyond wondering why it appears to be impossible to build a smooth railroad crossing, I also wondered about these: Why do toasters have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? If the Professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix the hole in the boat? Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe u believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it too make sure? Why does it seem that a pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance? Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries... and a Diet Coke? Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage? Why are hot dogs sold in packages of 10 and buns in packages of 8? Why do drive-up automated teller machines have Braille lettering? Why can't a woman put on mascara with her mouth closed? Why don't I see this headline more often: "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why do doctors and lawyers call what they do "practice"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Who decides if dog or cat food has a "new and improved flavor"? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why, if the black box on airplanes is so indestructible, isn't the whole plane made of the same stuff? Why, if flying is so safe, do they call the airport the terminal? CRAZY LABEL DIRECTIONS: Beyond some of life's imponderables, there is plenty of proof that being stupid isn't limited to you and me. Take a close look at these... On a Sear's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)? On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)? On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could reduce construction accidents if we could just get 5 year olds off forklifts!) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)? On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." ( News Flash!) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God . . . was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) Life Questions If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? How come when you first pull the drapery cord the drapes always move the wrong way? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner reach down pick it up examine it then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'? Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year? (humor funny imponderables strange directions labels bread directions drive flavor food hair iron label money shopping soap broke crossing flies kids life nuts order packages warning)
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