God, Satan, and Food
- And God populated the earth.
- And God fiiled the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long and healthy lives.
- And Satan created McDonald's.
- And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.
- And Satan said to man, "You want fries with that?"
- And man said, "Super size them."
- And man gained pounds.
- And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
- And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.
- And woman gained pounds.
- And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
- And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese.
- And there was ice cream for dessert.
- And woman gained pounds.
- And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
- And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter.
- And man gained pounds.
- And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
- And God brought forth running shoes,
- And man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
- And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
- And man gained pounds.
- And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
- And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
- And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.
- And he created sour cream dip also.
- And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
- And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
- And man went into cardiac arrest.
- And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery...
- And Satan created HMOs...
The Month After Christmas - Happy New Year!
Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I would taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store it was less a walk than a lumber.
I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "None for me, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as only I can
"You can't spend another winter disguised as a man!"
So -- away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie -- not even a lick.
I'll chew only on long celery sticks.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, life's no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
(humor funny food eating eat laugh god satan man woman weight gain weight loss overeating gained weight pounds woman chips christmas cracker happy healthy kids life mcdonalds potato vegetables yogurt bread cheese cholesterol cream earth fried)
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