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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? - It depends largely on denomination... Charismatic: Only 1. Hands are already in the air. Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the Spirit of Darkness. Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at pre-destined times. Roman Catholic: None. Candles only. Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken. Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was. Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to watch the children. Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions,including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change. Amish: What's a light bulb? ACTUAL CHURCH BULLETIN EXCERPTS 1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. 2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals." 3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." 5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. 6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. 7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. 8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. 13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." 14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. 21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. 22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the main Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." 31. Our next song is: "Angels We Have Heard Get High." 1. Catholics do not recognize the Trinity. 2. Lutherans do not recognize the Pope. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in a liquor store. (church humor church how many christians does it take to change a lightbulb humor funny laughs christian church charismatic pentecostal presbyterian roman catholics baptists episcopalian mormons unitarians methodist lutheran amish lightbulb jokes bulb light lutherans)
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