| Life Support USA |
10 New Cities In Iraq 1. Wherz-Myroof 2. Mykamel-Izded 3. Oboy-Disisabad 4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon 5. Pleez-Ztopdishit 6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi 7. Ikantstan-Disnomore 8. Wha-TaEl-Wazi-Tinkin 9. Myturbin-Izburnin 10. Imma-Dedduck WORLD NEWS: BUSH DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Bush announced U.S. plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable. "For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Bush said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The U.S. is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour." The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities. Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My goodness, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Bush, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please." Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream." If the initial airlift is successful, Bush said the United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's. "Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate, but declined. "With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words," Bush said. "It should be very exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps." Linguists praise the U.S.'s decision to send the vowels. For decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are crucial to construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern European countries." According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The potatoes are ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "Please, where is the washroom?" The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the U.S. shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords. Saddam's Body Doubles All three of Saddam's body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." They ask for the good news first. "The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs." "And the bad news?" they ask. Aziz replies, "He's lost an arm." Subject: Martinez It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurant owner, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response, except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Look at this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little worm. If you say anything else, I'll get you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003". This Should Just About Do It Alabama Special Forces soon may be sent in to Afghanistan. Pfc. Billy Bob, Lance Cpl. Bubba, Spc. Jim Bob, Spc. Scooter, and Pfc. Freddy would be sent in with the following information:
(life support usa army humor new cities iraq world news bush, vowels bosnia american history martinez credit vowels bush humor teacher letters student cities bosnia people new deployment good life please saddam class subject history)
|
|